I’m dating myself but I grew up when the actresses on TV were all blonde, or that’s what was mostly seen on TV. I remember the first time I saw a brown-haired actress was on the original Power Rangers with Amy Jo Johnson. (I was told when I was little that my hair was dark brown-it grew to be black and very dark black). I still remember how excited I was-I was obsessed with Kimberly, Johnson’s character, but I could not put into words why.
As I grew up however, the magic of representation took a back seat to teenage insecurities. As a teenager, I longed to be someone else. My self confidence was not the best and as I was dealing with my anxiety, day dreaming became a way to escape. When I dreamed of being someone else, that someone else did not look like me. She looked like I pictured beauty—that’s how Gillian was born. When representation gave away to insecurities, I went back to the idea of beauty I had in childhood. That was what I had seen on TV since I could remember.
WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD! Gillian was not a classic blonde because I wanted to paint the struggle to grow as a person, so her strawberry blonde hair grows with time and confidence. But also, notice that she has brown eyes. My idea of beauty at childhood was the classic blonde hair and blue eyes trope. I wanted Gillian to be different, but not too different, as my editor pointed out, just enough to blend while not fitting in. I wanted a rough characterization on how I felt. And I never felt like I fit in until I was well into college. As you grow up and hopefully the teenage insecurities go away, you discover that adulthood insecurities come and go as well. Sometimes you feel like you fit in, and sometimes you do not. And I wanted to personalize that struggle with Gillian. For me, the blonde hair, blue eyes trope represented perfection. Gillian was not that. How to show that?
I thought of my father’s beautiful hazel-colored eyes, which I did not inherit by the way. My eyes are dark brown but I always have loved watching the light changes in my father’s eyes. When he is thoughtful, when he is passionate about something, the color changes. I guess then, the representation that I wanted was always present, just masked by insecurity. Between fighting with teenage insecurities and wrestling with the importance of being seen and heard, the character that would become the center of Lifeforce was created.